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Lingo - Bingo

12.21.2008

F for Friend: Part-5; F for Forever

Growing up across the same street since childhood in Chennai, Priya and Anita never doubted their friendship would last forever. But after Priya married, moved to Mumbai and had a baby, her letters to Anita suddenly went unanswered. "Do you think I've somehow offended her?" Anita asked her husband.  Priya, meanwhile, had convinced herself she was no longer important to Anita. "She's got a family now" she told herself. "We're just too different to be close like before." Finally, Priya summoned the courage to call her old friend. At first, the conversation was awkward, yet soon they both admitted that they missed each other. A month later, they got together and quickly fell into their old habit of laughing and sharing confidences. "Thank goodness I finally took action" Priya says, "We both realized we were as important to each other as ever." 

The best mirror is an old friend. There are good reasons to cherish our friendships. Some years ago a public-opinion research firm, Roper Starch Worldwide, asked 2007 people to identify one or two things that said the most about themselves. Friends far outranked cars, jobs, family, and love.

 
"A well-established friendship carries a long history of experience and interaction that defines who we are and keeps us connected" says Donald Pannen, executive officer of the Western Psychological Association. "It is a heritage we should protect." 

Ironically, says Brant R. Burleson, Professor of Communication at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., "the better friends you are, the more likely you'll face conflicts." And the outcome can be precisely what you don't want -- an end to the relationship. 

The good news is that most troubled friendships can be mended. Here's what experts suggest: 

SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE: 

When a friend hurts you, your instinct is to protect yourself. But that makes it harder to patch up problems. Most of us are relieved when differences are brought out in the open. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.  Is the friendship a treasure to you, is this person important to you? If so, what is more important to feel right or to have your friendship with the one you care about? Swallow your pride if this is what you want.

 

APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU'RE WRONG--EVEN IF YOU'VE ALSO BEEN WRONGED:

No one should allow himself to be emotionally abused by anyone. But over the course of a friendship, even the best people make mistakes. A relationship can grind to a standstill if the offender refuses to make the first move at reconciliation. Under these circumstances, it may be best if the wronged person takes the initiative and apologizes -- for getting upset, for not understanding the friend's circumstances. When you apologize, give your friend the opportunity to admit that he'd screwed up. We don't think clearly when we're arguing "What's going on? This doesn't make sense."  Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there

 

LISTEN:

Be sure to always listen with an open heart and mind. State your side and listen to their side, how they feel. Their feelings are valid as well as your own. The focus should be on mending and resolving, not accusing or bringing up past wrongs. Embrace the opportunity to grow, forgive and make amends and you may find a better friendship than you had before.

 

Be open to listen. Instead of pouring salt on old wounds, listen and come to an understanding that each of you needs to state how they feel. It’s not attacking or accusing, but getting it out on the table how you feel, whether angry or hurt or frustrated is the first step to healing.


SEE THINGS FROM YOUR FRIEND'S POINT OF VIEW: 

We were curious how these people managed to sustain strong friendships for so long. Tolerance is the key, the researchers learned. The subjects also didn't let problems get blown out of proportion. It's surprising how often a dispute results from a simple misunderstanding. 

Rakesh recalls what happened after his father died and a close friend didn't attend the funeral. "I felt hurt and disappointed," he says. Later Rakesh learned that his friend hadn't come to the service because he was still distraught over his own father's death. "My perspective changed entirely," says Rakesh. "Rather than feeling slighted, I empathized with him." 

Often fights and arguments are the result of misunderstandings and gossip. You need to keep in mind that you know your friend very well and that the chances of your friend having said anything bad about you are very slim and at times interpreted incorrectly. If this is the case then confront your friend.

ACCEPT THAT FRIENDSHIPS CHANGE:

Decide to remain friends, but not close friends if you need to sustain the relation. Friendships change as our needs and lifestyles change. It's healthy to have a host of friends and to sometimes shift the status of one or another. Making friends can sometimes seem easy. The hard part is keeping the connections strong during the natural ups and downs that affect all relationships.

If you have recently started going out with a new bunch of friends, you need to consider that your oldest and dearest friend might be feeling a little left out and isolated. Internalise how they might feel and consider what it would be like if you were the one who never received an invite for an excellent  night out on the town. It is a good idea to invite your pal along with your new group of friends, so that other lasting friendships can be formed.  If you are in the sticky position where your friend doesn’t get on with your new friends, you need to improve and practice your juggling skills, in order to try and fit both groups of friends into your busy schedule. 

 

Most friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, accept new responsibilities, or embark on different stages of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don't understand why, it can be especially painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without telling you why you’ve been dropped. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without expressing hurt feelings towards you.

 

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER, DON’T:

  • Disrespect your former friend by gossiping or complaining to mutual friends. Your friend has the right to end your relationship. When a friendship is over, let it go.
  • Burn all bridges – sometimes old friendships and lost friends can be resurrected to be stronger than before. When a friendship is over, it may be a temporary thing.
  • Act in the heat of the moment or say things you might regret, if a friend ends your relationship

 

More often than not the friendship is worth saving and should be saved and enjoyed for many years to come. Proper, heartfelt communication is the key to mending broken friendships. Remember to resolve all the issues because you don’t want them being brought up and relived during the next little tiff. 

If you've tried everything and your friend does not wish to resolve anything or rekindle the friendship, you will leave knowing you did your best and what you wanted too. You remained true to your heart and that is all that matters. It's possible they'll give it more thought and change their mind; they probably need to process it all and digest it. Remember, you were human enough to give it a try.

 

Friendship is like a china bowl
Once broken, it cannot be mended whole
Although mended looks like new
But the lines will always be in view


This is a poem that Senorita had written in my previous comment. For many times, I would’ve fully agreed with it. Last week, I met up with one such friend. He had such a bad patch at one time, his friend studied with us and they have to go separate ways after a few months when things got so bad. He was initially angry with him, that's understandable and it was a difficult time for both of them for a while.

By the grace of God they patched up few months after that and have since kept in contact. 
As I reflect on my meeting with this friend last week, I now no longer agree with what's written in the little poem. Broken friendship can be restored - it takes maturity and willingness for both parties to come to terms and deal with the real issues. In fact, it is when friendships are tested as such that it emerged even stronger. We can now laugh and joke over those times with no ill feelings.

 

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! Thought of finishing it with a humor touch. Goanna finish? That’s great news. Yeah! I’d run out of ideas and felt it’s no longer safe for me if I keep on frustrating my friends with these posts. If someone are reminded of your friend, or cherished any of the moments I’d specified or patched up the problems you’d with one of your X-Friends and now you are back to terms, I will take a bow for it. Thanks Readers for your support and kept on dropping with so much patience, tolerance, endurance with few cursing for me. And no END title cards though I conclude my post. Friendship is a never ending relationship, and it is a POLYMORPHISM- same name but different functions (Yesterday had my C# exam [:D] and this is the only question which I’d read well) and Friends are the beautiful flowers of the garden named as "friendship". Let your garden blooms with more flowers that never wither!

 

CONTINUES FOREVER....

 

Thanks! Keep Visiting!



13 Droplets:

Vinnie said...

Beautiful !!!
I loved the write-up and the pic of the 2 little girls. n by giving ur link in my post, i have done myself proud:)
thank you for sharing this lovely post, Karthik:)
Yippie, ur exams r over..u r a free man..

Senorita said...

@ Vinnie...you are the best friend I couls ask for...thanks for being brave and posting the first comment...I kept thinking of Lancelot's eight packs and supressing the urge to be the first to comment here...

@ Karthik...Imagine yourself as a tribal chief and me as the tribe member bowing in your exalted presence...you are the best!!!...this is the most touching post on friendship :)...Long live friendship...

GAYATHRI said...

lol!!nice post..well i am looking forward to meet up wit my ex-frnds b4 new yr nd start a really new yr!!lol

Keke, kerthu said...

What a man? He he!! For the 1st time, I'm impressed with the photos in your blog!! Supa cool they are and sync with the tile and contents!!

//CONTINUES FOREVER.... //

Karthik's touch (oops! Aparnaa gonna kick me for this!! It's her trademark comments) And all the points are valid and it cmes in the correct order as to what to do first...

//SEE THINGS FROM YOUR FRIEND'S POINT OF VIEW//

I strongly agree this point!! Even me and my frnd AS had many fights bt i realise things by seeing those frm her view!!

you know your friend very well and that the chances of your friend having said anything bad about you are very slim and at times interpreted incorrectly

U shd hav highlightd it.. But missed... Touching lines!! and Good post.. The series may have ended in the blof and it'll stay in our heart forever!!!

Lancelot said...

I forgive you all for taking my place...but as my friend has said whenever i post a comment here it will be considered as the first comment made on this post I AM STICKING THE TONGUE OUT AT YOU :P

Thoorika said...

Evlo periyaaaa post friendship la.. though its a topic on which you can go on talking about it.. !! and writing about it pages after pages.. :)

Ajai said...

Is Priya or Anita, ur frnd or Akka next door? You'd included resarches 2!! Tats good!! Good u'd ended the series, i would've killed you if u kept on elongating the series!! :P Where is the humor buddy?? So much serious?? Cme back soon!!

swati said...

hey..a nice post dear...
i believe that if people are not frenz anymore..they should still respect the relation or frenship which they shared once..rather thancomplaining n pointing out fingers at each other..
have a good day..

Priya Joyce said...

man oops sorry boy u just rokk in this field too

wat a plot juss loved it re
:)

Sandhya said...

its really nice man.. the series is over itseems.. everybody out there is waiting for ur next one which is expected to b humourous.. get outta these serious things and make it more funny..

anyways clap!clap!clap! to ur blog..u've brought out many things abt frndship which people wouldn't have known or realised.. the globe rests on frndship.. so thanks for bringing out the most precious things abt frndship..
waiting for ur next post..
thanks.

Karthik said...

@Vinnie: Yeah!! Jolly na if exams gets over :)

@Senorita: I'm having goose-flesh. Thanks Seno!!!

@Gayathri: Write me about ur day with x-friends if u meet..

@keke: Oh missed to highlight it.. It's smething related with us rite?? :) U trust me more!!

@Lancelot: Thala Nee thaan eppavvume 1stu!!

@Thoorika: Thnks!! Keep visiting!!

Karthik said...

@Ajai: Chk my seven witties if you are online and temme whether i'm back to my forte!!

@Swati: Rite Swati.. Thanks buddy! keep dropping!

@PJ: Thanks PJ!! Keep visiting (U'll do i know)

@Sandya: He he!! I'll write funny posts hereafter... Know people out there are gonna kill me if i continue it....

Srilakshmi Indrasenan said...

Hey awesome post... true facts.. i read this post in the ryt tym wen am actually trying to patch up broken friendship... :) Awesome work da