F for Friend: Part-5; F for Forever

Growing up across the same street since childhood in Chennai, Priya and Anita never doubted their friendship would last forever. But after Priya married, moved to Mumbai and had a baby, her letters to Anita suddenly went unanswered. "Do you think I've somehow offended her?" Anita asked her husband.  Priya, meanwhile, had convinced herself she was no longer important to Anita. "She's got a family now" she told herself. "We're just too different to be close like before." Finally, Priya summoned the courage to call her old friend. At first, the conversation was awkward, yet soon they both admitted that they missed each other. A month later, they got together and quickly fell into their old habit of laughing and sharing confidences. "Thank goodness I finally took action" Priya says, "We both realized we were as important to each other as ever." 

The best mirror is an old friend. There are good reasons to cherish our friendships. Some years ago a public-opinion research firm, Roper Starch Worldwide, asked 2007 people to identify one or two things that said the most about themselves. Friends far outranked cars, jobs, family, and love.

 
"A well-established friendship carries a long history of experience and interaction that defines who we are and keeps us connected" says Donald Pannen, executive officer of the Western Psychological Association. "It is a heritage we should protect." 

Ironically, says Brant R. Burleson, Professor of Communication at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., "the better friends you are, the more likely you'll face conflicts." And the outcome can be precisely what you don't want -- an end to the relationship. 

The good news is that most troubled friendships can be mended. Here's what experts suggest: 

SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE: 

When a friend hurts you, your instinct is to protect yourself. But that makes it harder to patch up problems. Most of us are relieved when differences are brought out in the open. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.  Is the friendship a treasure to you, is this person important to you? If so, what is more important to feel right or to have your friendship with the one you care about? Swallow your pride if this is what you want.

 

APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU'RE WRONG--EVEN IF YOU'VE ALSO BEEN WRONGED:

No one should allow himself to be emotionally abused by anyone. But over the course of a friendship, even the best people make mistakes. A relationship can grind to a standstill if the offender refuses to make the first move at reconciliation. Under these circumstances, it may be best if the wronged person takes the initiative and apologizes -- for getting upset, for not understanding the friend's circumstances. When you apologize, give your friend the opportunity to admit that he'd screwed up. We don't think clearly when we're arguing "What's going on? This doesn't make sense."  Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there

 

LISTEN:

Be sure to always listen with an open heart and mind. State your side and listen to their side, how they feel. Their feelings are valid as well as your own. The focus should be on mending and resolving, not accusing or bringing up past wrongs. Embrace the opportunity to grow, forgive and make amends and you may find a better friendship than you had before.

 

Be open to listen. Instead of pouring salt on old wounds, listen and come to an understanding that each of you needs to state how they feel. It’s not attacking or accusing, but getting it out on the table how you feel, whether angry or hurt or frustrated is the first step to healing.

SEE THINGS FROM YOUR FRIEND'S POINT OF VIEW: 

We were curious how these people managed to sustain strong friendships for so long. Tolerance is the key, the researchers learned. The subjects also didn't let problems get blown out of proportion. It's surprising how often a dispute results from a simple misunderstanding. 

Rakesh recalls what happened after his father died and a close friend didn't attend the funeral. "I felt hurt and disappointed," he says. Later Rakesh learned that his friend hadn't come to the service because he was still distraught over his own father's death. "My perspective changed entirely," says Rakesh. "Rather than feeling slighted, I empathized with him." 

Often fights and arguments are the result of misunderstandings and gossip. You need to keep in mind that you know your friend very well and that the chances of your friend having said anything bad about you are very slim and at times interpreted incorrectly. If this is the case then confront your friend.

ACCEPT THAT FRIENDSHIPS CHANGE:

Decide to remain friends, but not close friends if you need to sustain the relation. Friendships change as our needs and lifestyles change. It's healthy to have a host of friends and to sometimes shift the status of one or another. Making friends can sometimes seem easy. The hard part is keeping the connections strong during the natural ups and downs that affect all relationships.

If you have recently started going out with a new bunch of friends, you need to consider that your oldest and dearest friend might be feeling a little left out and isolated. Internalise how they might feel and consider what it would be like if you were the one who never received an invite for an excellent  night out on the town. It is a good idea to invite your pal along with your new group of friends, so that other lasting friendships can be formed.  If you are in the sticky position where your friend doesn’t get on with your new friends, you need to improve and practice your juggling skills, in order to try and fit both groups of friends into your busy schedule. 

 

Most friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, accept new responsibilities, or embark on different stages of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don't understand why, it can be especially painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without telling you why you’ve been dropped. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without expressing hurt feelings towards you.

 

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER, DON’T:

• Disrespect your former friend by gossiping or complaining to mutual friends. Your friend has the right to end your relationship. When a friendship is over, let it go.
• Burn all bridges – sometimes old friendships and lost friends can be resurrected to be stronger than before. When a friendship is over, it may be a temporary thing.
  
• Act in the heat of the moment or say things you might regret, if a friend ends your relationship
  

 

More often than not the friendship is worth saving and should be saved and enjoyed for many years to come. Proper, heartfelt communication is the key to mending broken friendships. Remember to resolve all the issues because you don’t want them being brought up and relived during the next little tiff. 

If you've tried everything and your friend does not wish to resolve anything or rekindle the friendship, you will leave knowing you did your best and what you wanted too. You remained true to your heart and that is all that matters. It's possible they'll give it more thought and change their mind; they probably need to process it all and digest it. Remember, you were human enough to give it a try.

 

Friendship is like a china bowl
Once broken, it cannot be mended whole
Although mended looks like new
But the lines will always be in view

This is a poem that Senorita had written in my previous comment. For many times, I would’ve fully agreed with it. Last week, I met up with one such friend. He had such a bad patch at one time, his friend studied with us and they have to go separate ways after a few months when things got so bad. He was initially angry with him, that's understandable and it was a difficult time for both of them for a while.

By the grace of God they patched up few months after that and have since kept in contact. 
As I reflect on my meeting with this friend last week, I now no longer agree with what's written in the little poem. Broken friendship can be restored - it takes maturity and willingness for both parties to come to terms and deal with the real issues. In fact, it is when friendships are tested as such that it emerged even stronger. We can now laugh and joke over those times with no ill feelings.

 

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! Thought of finishing it with a humor touch. Goanna finish? That’s great news. Yeah! I’d run out of ideas and felt it’s no longer safe for me if I keep on frustrating my friends with these posts. If someone are reminded of your friend, or cherished any of the moments I’d specified or patched up the problems you’d with one of your X-Friends and now you are back to terms, I will take a bow for it. Thanks Readers for your support and kept on dropping with so much patience, tolerance, endurance with few cursing for me. And no END title cards though I conclude my post. Friendship is a never ending relationship, and it is a POLYMORPHISM- same name but different functions (Yesterday had my C# exam [:D] and this is the only question which I’d read well) and Friends are the beautiful flowers of the garden named as "friendship". Let your garden blooms with more flowers that never wither!

 

CONTINUES FOREVER....

 

Thanks! Keep Visiting!

F for Friend: Part-4; F for Foe

‘Hi’ an unfamiliar voice sounded welcoming with so much of innocence, Copying home works, sharing lunch boxes, exchanging phone numbers, bunking the classes, caught for storming the canteen in class hours and the scene changed.. Attacking the lunch boxes when students are out, passing bit in exams, looking at the same girl ignorant the other is watching too, dancing off-stage during cultural and the scene shifted… first ride in a bike, walking in the rain with fingers closed, whistling for favorite star’s film, playing cricket in the near by ground, breaking the neighbor’s class, chased down by a bulldog and ramping the pizza hut for a birthday blast, exchanging gifts for Christmas, singing songs during class hours though worse than the original and giggling. The laughs dissolved and the scene took a little longer to reform... had a misunderstanding on some issues, ego jamming him, fighting in the phone, neutral nudging to talk again, staring at eyes but this time, fury dominating love ‘No!’ bellowed a voice inside and image after image was racing through his mind like a flickering film so vivid it blinded him to surroundings and then a voice, high with fury and cold sounded

“FUCK OFF YOU! DON’T YOU DARE MEET OR TALK TO ME AGAIN! I’VE HAD ENOUGH AND THIS IS IT!”

There was a scream of rage and betrayal and the voice kept on sounding in his ears like the alarm. Next all he could see was lying on the floor, breathing heavily as though he had been running. He struggled up, shivering, surprised that he was wet to his skin despite AC turned ON in this put on ice weather. He paced towards the window. Faint, orange light was filtering through the curtains from the street lamp outside the window. He took his silver-framed spectacles laying aside the clock. Wearing it, he pulled open the top-most drawer of the table and took out a paper, scanning it with utmost unhappiness.

Once there were two friends
Who grew up together
They did bratty things all day
And got beaten by their mother!
They climbed trees
Chased bees and
Gave the birds a fright
When the gardener came to beat them,
They ran with all their might! 
Every person they knew
Grew tired of their naughtiness
But it still goes on
And fills the world with silliness!

Lots of Love

E

His eyes were full of tears as he read the old letter. He moved over to the windows, putting the letter back where it was, looked out at the thin mist that was pressing itself against the glass.  It was then, he heard a soft giggle. He froze, not because of the wind and chillness, but he had heard the voice before. He turned slowly, to find a figure still giggling at him

“Hello” he said trying to sound happier.

‘Didn’t expect me this time” the new figure questioned, his lips curled.

“Err….” he struggled on the verge of speech, “Good to see you again, M”, he strode forwards but the new figure knew honestly it was not the expected compliment.

“I don’t suppose you remember those, L” said M with an obtruding look.

“No… well… I” words stumbled from L’s mouth.

“But I’ve found pretty much what happened since. Did you know that?”

“I didn’t” said L in a hushed voice.

“Yeah! You have sleepless nights, protruding visions of happy days, sinking into your pillow… aarghh!!” M let out a wail mimicking L.

“That’s enough” said L as though bothered. “I’ve heard enough of it and I don’t want to hear anymore”

He turned away, not looking at him.

“Oh! I forgot! You liked him. Didn’t you?” asked M smirking.

“Liked him?” his eyes brimming with tears, “I don’t imagine anyone who met him wouldn’t have liked him… very humorous and very helpful, friendly more…”

“But you won’t do it?” interrupted M.

“Don’t persuade me to do it… but no purpose can be served.”

“It can and will… Think off the days before and now?”

“Of course I do, but…” stumbled L

“You could’ve coped and done better if he was at your side!”

“But I’m not going to try and persuade him to talk with me, if he didn’t want to” L snapped back

“You and your F**King ego. Someone has to give up?”

“You are asking a great deal”

“Are you feared he’ll curse you, shout at you again?”

L said nothing

“Would you like me to do it now?” started L

 “Never mind dude. You can start after two years. But don’t worry; I’ll be there to compose an epitaph. Tat isn’t a bad joke?” sniggered M

“I’m ashamed of what I’d done. I think I may have done great damage that day…”

“You’d cancel out anything you did by doing what I say… It would be a righteous thing to do”

They stared at each other. There was a long, long silence

Then very slowly, he moved back to the drawer, pulled out to take a notebook and a pen. Still looking into M’s eyes, he started writing, the blue from his pen skidding across the paper, flowing like a river on a white land, calm and gentle without a pause, pouring out the feelings from his heart

Sorry for all the times I have hurt you 
Sorry for the times I made you cry
Sorry for the times when I wasn't there for you
I'm sorry for the goodbye. 

Sorry for whatever I did wrong
Sorry for not being strong
Sorry for not acknowledging you were right
I'm sorry if it was me who started a fight

Sorry for the times I wasn't true 
Sorry for not understanding you
I will apologize till your anger ends
Because I want you back my dear friend.

 

“My heart feels lighter than the air” said L after reading the poem he had penned.

“Only if you proceed on tomorrow, to show how much you feel for him, this poem is a sample. Swear, won’t you?” smiled M

“Ergg... May be I can have a change of mind!” said L with a sort of confused expression.

“Damn! Give the paper back to me. I’ll burn it down as it serves no purpose. Waste in lecturing you for past an hour!” said M trying to snatch the paper.

“No!” shouted L taken aback. “I’ll go on to meet him tomorrow, show this to him and hit him hard how much I miss him and who knows, by that time I could vent out more thoughts. I will do it for sure!” said L with a confidence smile.

“My purpose served! All the best!” said M and with a crack like a whip, he vanished in air. L was neither surprised nor shocked. He didn’t scream as he had expected it to happen. Why? Don’t tell others that M is no other than L’s conscience.

 

Sometimes you hurt a friend unintentionally and then regret it. Try as much as you want, you just don't have the guts to go up to your friend to say ‘Sorry.’ If you are feeling miserable about your action and truly want to say sorry, just pen down your feelings and make sure it sounds heartfelt. The sorry friendship poem can go a long way in saving you from losing a good friend.

 

The pain of going through a broken friendship is unbearable. The world seems to be coming to an end and you seem completely helpless with no one to turn to. When a friendship breaks, it really hurts. The trust you have had on the person is shattered completely and everyone looks like a betrayer to you. The best way to let go of the frustration is to mend a broken friendship. It is hard to rebuild a broken friendship, given the fact that we are so "human" - of course it depends on how bad is the crack. Even if we try to make up with each other, things are usually not the same - don't you think so? It's natural to have conflicts with true friends, but they're too precious to let go. Follow these steps to mend a broken friendship.

 

Practice empathy. Broken friendships often occur because of misunderstandings. Your friend's behavior was likely because of the problems in his life and not a wish to hurt or use you.

 

Write him a letter about what you're feeling. Let your anger go but explain to him why you feel wronged. Writing helps you get your thoughts in order.

 

Mark a date on your calendar when you'll approach your friend. Prepare for it the day before with meditation, physical exercise, aromatherapy or whatever relieves your stress.

 

Stay calm when patching up a broken friendship, no matter what happens. Anger clouds your vision and inhibits communication.

 

Forget your pride and apologize, even if you've been wronged. He may not even realize he treated you badly. Or if he does, he may have been scared to make the first move.

 

Relive good memories together. Nothing mends a broken friendship better than shared positivity. Remind each other why you've stayed friends for so long.

 

Accept that not every broken friendship can go back to the way it was. You've both grown during your time apart. But it's worth maintaining good friendships even if they're not as close as before. Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

 

Do you have a similar experience? Care to share?

 

To Be Continued… (After my exams on 20^th)

 

Thanks! Keep Visiting!