Men's Diary

December

I was in the lift, looking deep into her eyes. I moved forward and she caught me by my chest

"Do you love me?" she asked

"Yes, I love you"

We kissed

January

She was hugging me like her bedroom teddy bear. I kept on reminding, its time and I have to leave but she didn’t release her hold. "Some more time K" I loved it. Then she started lecturing, "Eat properly, and please call me daily. Speak to me for five minutes. Stop flirting with new girls in my absence. If I come to know any such, I will catch the next train and kick your butt, Love you so much" and she kissed me for the one last time.

February

She was excited on hearing my voice after a week. I let her know my safety and health condition, and made it more special by revealing she was the first to whom I had given my number. 

March

I couldn’t attend her calls, workload strangling me and she keeps on fighting every time I call her. "Dad is around, don’t call", "I am not feeling well, will get back to you later" WTF wrong with her? When I need to talk to her badly, she always gives a negative reply. Let she get a taste of her own medicine. I didn’t attend when she called me while I was at office

LOL. Great day it was. She scolded me badly for talking about my X. I love it when she scolds me "Porikki" and I can take that drama every time for it. I never knew she is so dumb because if I need to start a fight, I will touch this topic, she fights, next day we cajole back to normal self. Still she never realizes it. I love the way she love but I hate the way she expects me to love her back.

I screwed it. Her phone is switched off for the past three days. I'm really sacred. Is she alright? I sent her a mail, expecting a reply.

April

She replied today, her exams on the way and so her mom took off the mobile.

It’s been a week since she got her mobile back but she didn’t update me. I called and yelled at her but she has her answers. Got a temporary job immediately after her exams and she is not idle like before. I clapped and cut the call

Attitude! Attitude! Attitude! That’s girls are about. If we had a fight, she gets back to me in an hour or so. But it’s been five days since we last talked that ended in an ugly fight. Mistake is hers but she is not ready to call.

May
 

I buried my hatchet and called her. The same response- I'm busy. I've work. I can’t message like before. I can’t call like before. Bitch! Sorry for it! :(

God, its killing me. She is not like before. The fucking truth is she is not ready to speak her heart out. 45 calls for the last four days and 78 SMS'es. No response. Why can’t she switch off the mobile? What pleasure she has in ignoring me?

June

Hell of two months. Her birthday is around; I should make up for all my mistakes. Tickets booked. Her first birthday with me, and I want it to be memorable

And as expected, she threw her tantrums. Out of station on her birthday and she can’t make up the meeting. I cut the call not ready to hear her uninterested chants

I lost my sleep, again. That’s what I am going through for the past three months. Woke till 12 to wish her first on the birthday but she didn’t pick. At last after calling from my friend's mobile at the nth attempt in noon, she barely raised her voice. "Thanks, my family is around. Thanks again!" Why was she born, Pain in the ass?

July

I am sick and hospitalized. She said she will come and meet me. I didn’t expect it because I know she won’t. Off late, she never keeps her promises. I said don’t make fucking promises but she is happy in hurting me. 

I am getting discharged tomorrow. She didn’t even bother to call me once to enquire my status. Does she love me truly? The kisses we shared, the places we roamed clutching her arms like my wife, the images are sinking out of my vision.  I'm blind :(

We met today; she cried that I'm hurting her. Oh Oh Oh! Come on, didn’t she know the last three months were grueling? But she keeps on hitting the same bush, "You talk about all the girls and I hate it, I love you crazy and possessive on you. Son of a bitch, don’t you understand it?" Why don’t the girls get the point that a guy toy only with his loved one? I love it, I love the way you love me, madly. May be I do sound a psyche. She talked a lot, I had no words because I am sick of explaining the same “I did it because I loved it" again and again. Aren’t girls tired of speaking the same topic again and again? Love is blind, but for her Love is deaf because she didn’t understand the explanation.

She promised me that all will be fine from now on. Aal izz Well

August

I have heard of Vikramadityan and Beatle stories but now I am seeing it in my life. It goes like, whatever the king says the Beatle goes back to the tree and hangs in it. She still beats the same bush “You hate me” as if I said to her. And at last she said it, “Loving you was my biggest mistake in life” Bitch! I feel like killing her. Was it the same fucking mouth that said “You are my biggest gift in life”, “I love you like anything”, “You are my happiness”. I vowed to her. She’ll regret for saying this and she will definitely miss me. I’m not goanna get another girl though loneliness makes the loudest noise.  This is true of men as of dogs. I’m not going to call her back, text her back until she realizes her mistake.

I miss her badly, but if she has the damn ego not to come down and apologize, I am not a dog to get back to her forgetting what she said. But, it happened. Life is always full of twists and turns. She called me today and expressed regret for her action on that day. I don’t want to create a scene for it because I fear losing her again. My heart is not ready for another pain. I promised her that I won’t talk about other girls and annoy. Finally, she-is-mine.

September

How could she do it? It’s my birthday and she didn’t wish today. I can’t control my feelings, mixed with frustration, tears and anger.  When I informed, she was like “Is it? Wait, Let me check the calendar.  Oh Sorry! Really Sorry!” The tone was casual and plain. She didn’t feel for it. I cut the call, don’t want to extend the conversation. Men don’t cry and if they do, not want women to listen to it. I chose the latter. What if she mocks my tears and call I’m whining?


I called again after a week. She didn’t call or text me in the mean-time. Half the conversation, she was speaking with her friends around. I was under impression am I a caller or listener? It irritates me. Does she need me when feel left alone? Does she really love me? I asked her directly. She still wants her revenge. She still wants me to miss her like she missed me when I irate and ignore her. Even if I do, I will get back in a day or two but she is repeating it for the past four months. Women don’t forget things easily. Women don’t understand things easily too. Even my phone operator would have shouted “He did it because he loved it” because it’s the sentence I keep on telling more than once every day I talk with her. 

October

She requested not to call her back. All she need is peace and time to recover. I give it to her. May be she is ignoring with an idea, I would gradually hate her for this and leave her. She is not ready to tell it openly that things won’t work between us. Whenever I see a baby, I am reminded to the funny names we kept for our kids. I brushed aside a tear. I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out and tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.

Moral: Sometimes women start to love without a reason, without a reason they start hating. Be it love or hatred, a man cant show 1% of what woman shows. If she loves, she loves it till she dies and if she hates, she hates it till she comes out of it.

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A Beautiful Mind

Scene 1: A woman insults her makeup artist which is witnessed by his daughter. Fuming, she blasts her dad to put make up for her so that she can become a star. He gives XYZ cream, applying on she turns white and becomes famous.

Scene 2: Group of girls is practicing for a dance show and the dull looking girl is pushed back. Then comes the savior, ABC Cream and she come to front row and impress the audience.

I've always ostracized products targeting men or women that promote discrimination on the basis of skin color. In recent, these new ads have hit a disgusting new low. Women ads mostly shows that they are succeeding after getting fair and men ads shows that women started liking them only after they are fair.  These are demeaning to women.

The fact that India has always been obsessed with fair skin is well known. Skin tone is considered as a foremost trait among many young Indians looking for romance. Have a look at the matrimonial sites, crazy guys want fair and white skinned girls and  no doubt girls are falling head over heels to look 'fair and lovely'. After 90's, most of the fairness cream makers identified India as their potential market to make hell lot of profit because of our population and the desire to become fair. This is ably supported by Indians crowning Worlds and Universes. The fact that these ads assume that the customers are dumber really gets to me. They spread all the negative stereotypes associated with dark skinned people. You need to be fair and white if you want to be successful.  Even the Europeans and Americans take sunbath to prevent skin diseases and increase the melanin content, but we who have it in us naturally want to become white and fair. But what we fail to get is these creams are sun-protection lotions with mild bleaching agents to remove tan. 

While few creams constrained their propaganda of lighter shade of skin in a matter of few weeks through advertisements in televisions and newspapers, a new fairness cream has stretched its boundaries to enter into Facebook application. Vaseline for men allows users to change their profile pictures, a few shades lighter that will be reflected in their looks after using the cream. The page already has 760 plus fans- A sad reflection on society's obsession with physical beauty. So being black or brown is a curse? I never cared about my color and I didn’t get what relates beauty and color? Can you turn a crow into a white pigeon? Then how can you transform a black-skinned woman into white within seven days?

 

Though the ads promote complexion prejudices, it reflects what society wants. It’s my personal opinion whether I care about the skin color but there are people who want fair skin. There are people who think that having fairer skin makes you more attractive. The ad simply portrays that. When our mind will come out of the notion that fair skin is beautiful and dark skin is ugly? Hard work and Success makes us beautiful. Beauty is inside you, not in the products.

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FLIRT FAILURES: FF- PART 4

For Part-I, CLICK HERE

We can break a woman’s mind into two sections- Friends, Lovers. The friends’ part is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends" The problem arises because a woman never lets a guy know which section he is on. Obviously the line of partition is so thin between these two sections. How to find on which section he is in? On a lighter note, declare as soon as possible that you are not going to be her ‘friend’ All a guy can do is make a move on a girl; ask her out, write her a love note, gifts, cards or whatever. If he's on the Lover’s section, fine. If he is on the friends’ section, now there are two chances. One, he can be promoted to Lovers’ section; the girl can let him in. Second, the girl can give him a tight slap across his face and remind him “we are just friends” followed by in few weeks you are dumped forcibly into a new section- Hatred, that teaches you repugnance, humiliation etc.

So what are the stuffs a girl can say, that shuffle your mind between two sections?

• Did you eat? No- Oh Please dear, have it soon else I won’t talk with you
• I Love your Messages
• You are like my Teddy Bear
• We both have same taste and likings
• Your shirt/pant/trouser is super
• Shall we meet in Canteen? I’ll sponsor for you. Don’t let your friends know it…
• Please don’t take leave to classes today… I cannot spend a day without seeing you
• Is Aunty busy? What she is doing?
• I feel like talking to you anything... You are the one to whom I have shared most of my secrets…
• I could see your face in my books…
• You are so nice

Your mind says, “She loves me” I give a kick in the head and say “Sorry... you are in friends’ section”

What will be a girl’s reaction when you propose her? She says “No... I never thought of you like that” or “I need some space” or “I need some time” or “I'm really into my career right now." But she isn’t into any of the thing. She is lying to you. What she’s really meant is “Get away from me now” (Friends’ section) or “You need to try harder, my man” (Lovers’ section)

Most of the men get boozed or smoke once a girl rejects them. You obviously can't force her to like you more than a friend. Girls would be bit annoyed if you ask them again. Let’s say, you were given the option of A, B or C from your teacher and if you choose A, she says “You are wrong. I give you another chance”, what would you do? Will you say A again? If yes, be grateful that she left your balls and sorry Shithead, go and fuck yourself. If you go for B and C, apply this to your state and move on. There are plenty more fish in the sea and keep your eye on a few of them. Just stop fishing once you get the desired Fish. By behaving with as much dignity as possible, being charming and wonderful, let her know what she missed out on.

Whether you're a pretty girl or not, boys will come looking for you. It's a natural thing. Opposites attract each other. Sometimes beautiful women come across men who don’t know any signs of love to her. Reasons: Maybe he finds you unattractive, maybe you are in friend’s section or maybe he is GAY. Next, bleak girls get more boyfriends. Lot of guys use the tactic of making friends with the less attractive friend of a girl that they want to love (Personally, this too never worked for me as they find me bleak :D) Sometimes these girls are trapped to believe that the guy likes her but actually he want to hit at her friend. Women are more interested in long-term relationships than men. When a man tells you, "I love and I will always love you" don't take it for granted. The important thing is this. You need to know as much as possible about the man you are involved to. Evaluate the love. Analyze him. Boys are very good with the art of seduction and pretense. So be careful.

I was criticized for bashing women in most of my posts. It’s not that I think women are bad since they showed thumbs down. I hang out with girls who I find unattractive, but there are girls who find me unattractive either. So there’s fairness. I’m presenting the world how I perceive it. I’m not angry that women like guys who have money. Indeed, my bank balance is producing a progressive graph, thanks to this. It is hard because your heart is crushing right in front of the girl, but at least she is being honest and I found out where the relationship really is. You are hopeless to find your girl with the wrong man and she is finding happiness that is never going to be with you. Women are the most beautiful thing to happen on earth.

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FLIRT FAILURES: FF- PART 3

Why women sometimes just want to be friends? I met A, who is pretty and seems interesting to talk to. We started hanging out, kept on sending unlimited, idiotic messages like “Hi... What doing?” for every 30 minutes. So I developed an attraction to her and after few months, I proposed her. But she told she doesn't think of me that way and she wants to remain friends and preached some advises like career, caste blah blah to which I turned deaf. The next few weeks, the throughput of messages reduced and she never returned my phone calls. The things between us fell off.


God was well pleased with his devotee. So God asked him, "Ask my son, whatever you wish for I am well pleased with you."


He said, "My dear God I would like to have a bridge all the way from Chennai to Kashmir so that I can travel all along India.”

God said, "Son, This is not such a good idea you know. Think about the resources that I will have to divert to this project; the concrete, the steel, the pilings in the rivers, the reinforcements from hurricanes etc, prone to terrorist attacks. I don't think that is a good idea. Why don't you ask for something else?"


He said, "OK God, this I have been really wanting for a long time. You know how women are? They start crying all of a sudden for no reason. When you come home they expect you to read their minds. When they are really saying yes, they will be telling you no. Can I please, please, have the powers so I can understand a woman's mind?"


God promptly said, "Son can we talk about the bridge you wanted."



It’s difficult to read a Girl’s mind, right? Sometimes a girl’s activities lead us to the thought that she is in love with us. But actually she isn’t. The other case, she insults and fights with you, makes us to feel the abhorrence but it means she likes you more. A woman's mind is too complex for even a genius to unravel. They never really know what they want.... no but seriously. Reading a woman, knowing what she is thinking has to be one of the most difficult things any man could ever attempt.



There is lot of factors on which a woman rating system (For a Guy) works. The first one being Money. Every woman prefers a guy who earns a lot, well settled in life, who can buy her chocolates, teddy bears, Jewelries, Dresses etc. Looks are not to be discounted. I see many girls jump to about “Ohhhhh… My Gawwwwdd… He is Sooooo Cuteeee…” emotions when they see some good looking guy or some guy from a crappy movie (Recently Surya, Arya, Madhavan, Ranbir Kapoor) Common girls, if u want them they should get married at least 100 times a day and what about average-looking guys (erg.… Okay, bad looking! Happy now? ) like us should do? Now don’t hit at me like Anushka, Shriya and Asin etc. Then she says “I look for a guy with good sense of humour, intelligent, sensible and caring” as add-on packages. As far as to my knowledge, this is completely rubbish. But there are few rare cases in this.



So if you cannot encipher and decipher a girl’s language, here are some examples.


G1: I want a caring boy friend
Actual: I want a boyfriend who can take care of my expenses


G2: I want a lovable boyfriend
Actual: I want a boyfriend who can get things I Love.


G3: (Not the blogger sis…: D) I want a boyfriend who is dedicated and hard working
Actual: He should earn more


G4: Family Background should be good
Actual: Replace “GOOD” with “RICH”


G5: He should respect Woman
Actual: He should get me things I want



Now moving on, how to score with a woman? Simple, “Don’t show too much interest in her” Women seem to especially like it. Show interest in destroying her self-esteem and in flirting with her friends more than her seem to work wonders. Note, Conditions apply. Next, “Think Different” If you are like every other guy who sticks to a normal job and live a good life, you are segregated in Normal category. Why should girls dig you? They never. Girls never want someone who is just like everyone else. Be different and you are Odd man out. You are a crazy driver who can draw circuit diagrams on road? Then you are in the game. Again Conditions Apply. Warning, being different is not to kick some one’s ass, smoke, drink etc… But sometimes if you do this, certain girls are attracted.


So now the final question, FRIENDa?? LOVERa?? The experiment and inference will be discussed in next post.

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I speak, walk, talk Engleesh

Most of us would have come across Professors, Teachers or Faculties in our Schools, Colleges who, though not well versed in English, try hard to explain the subject’s concepts in English. On doing so, some of their sentences turn awkward as they misplace verbs, stress verb as noun and the sentences never come in a pattern like S+V+C, S+V+O. There are some who, though strong in their domain say Physics, Math, Chemistry but due to their bad grammar, murder English and invoke laughter in us. Even if you meet them after few years, the thing that first strikes your mind is not what they taught; the equations, formulas but their stress-buster sentences. I’d encountered few, who knowing their weakness, explain the concepts in mother-tongue (for me it’s Tamil; Vin- Hindi, Archana- Telugu) and others, won’t give a damn to it and try to get into the language as worse as possible. English teachers are always one’s favorite if they love the Language. If it is a female staff, then no doubt, guys would go mad over them. The way they dress, communicate, pronounce (their accent will be mind-blowing) still remains in our mind. But poor Lance had a granny and grandpa for his English classes. I would like to share few of the comical dialogs that were used by my teachers, slaughtering the language.

Our Math sir was one of the gems. His classes will be interesting and one would really love math for his style of teaching. In-between when the students do monkey business, at the height of anger, he beats English to dead. While he is solving sums in the board, when students talk at back, he turns and gives a red-face. He will control himself for two-three times, if it goes on, he shouts WHAT YA?? PLAYING? WHY TALKING BACK? COME TALK FRONT HERE! I LISTEN! NOT SILENT NA, TROUBLE ONLY! YOU TALK, FAN ROTATING, BOARD REFLECTING, I TRIPLE SOUND HEARING YA. NEXT TIME MY MOUTH WON’T SPEAKU. ONLY HANDS YA HANDS WILL SPEAK. (Showing his palm like Congress) TURNING 180 DEGREE TO SEE YOU NA, PAIN COMING IN NECK. THEN THIS PAIN WILL COME TO YOUR NECKU!! The greatness in him is adding YA to the sentences in between. Once he asked to work out a sum in board. It was algebra and there were many polynomial equations. At a step I missed p in an equation. He, on noticing it, without thinking, said WHERE IS P ya?? WENT WITH FAMILY TO HOLIDAY TRIP ah?? Some of the students shouted It is IN BATHROOM SIR (In Tamil p means SHIT)

Some of his other one-liners are

ANYBODY HAVING PURE MINERAL DRINKING WATER?

TAKE THE BOOK. SUDDENLY TURN TO PAGE NO 45 YA. NOTE THE QUESTION NUMBER 3. VERY VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT PROBLEM. ALL TIME ASKING THIS QUESTION YA!!

WHO NOT SUBMITTED THE HOMEWORK?? I KNOW THAT GUY YA! IF YOU ITSELF NOT COMING FRONT NA, AND I FIND IT NA, SEVERE AUCTION (spell: Action) WILL BE TAKEN. And when no students stand, he calls the name one by one from the notebook, asking them to stand. NOW STANDING STUDENTS SUDDENLY SIT AND SITTING STUDENTS SUDDENLY STAND. This is his technique for finding the home-work defaulters.

Our Chemistry lab-assistant always pronounce few of the chemicals name wrong. JINKU (ZINC) SULPATE, KAALCIUM (CALCIUM) KARPENATE (CARBONATE).

CONCENTRATED ACIDS ARE DANGEROUS TO HEALTH. POUR IN HAND, BURNS COMING AND CRYING MEANS I’m NOT RESPONSIBLE. CONCENTRATE WHILE USING CONCENTRATED ACID. If we break any test tube, fearing for fine, we will just push the pieces into the hole at sinks available in our tables. He once found it, as the pipeline got struck because of more number of pieces (we love to break test tubes for every class or sneak it inside our pant pocket along with salts. I love to show it to the kid near our house, as salts on addition with another, change into various colors. I’ll fool that kid saying I’m A MAGICIAN and as the kid is astonished on seeing my magic (erg... Experiment), I’ll take the chocolates from her hand), he said IDIOTS BREAKING TEST TUBE SINKING IT INTO SINK, WATER NOT FLOWING INSIDE. DUPIDS (mean STUPIDS).

In our college, we had a Physics lab assistant. Since Physics is meant for first year, our college never minded to put more faculties for the subject and so the lab assistant himself turned out to be our Professor in second semester. This man is as worse at English as it will take eons to figure what he said. Once I and two of my batch mates went into the lab without wearing our lab coats. He shouted YOU THREE FOOLS, YOU THREE BOTH OF YOU GET OUT OF THE LAB. On teaching SONAR, he said, SONAR IS USED TO FIND THE ENEMY BOATS TARVELLING DEEP DEEP OF WATER and for SPECTRUM, his one liner was, WHILE TURNING SPECTROMETER YOU FIND COLORS OF VARIOUS COLORS. WHAT FAVORITE COLOR YOU WANT ALL AVAILABLE.

To top all of these, Chairman of my friend’s college will give a run for money to all of my staffs. Unlucky, I didn’t get a chance to hear his quotes. But the students have put a separate book for his funny quips. Few are

All of you stand in a straight circle

The girl with the mirror please come front (she was wearing Spec)

Why are you late - say YES or NO .....

Girls should not wear T shirt, U shirt, V shirt.

Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in

Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today

In Cinema theater I saw you with my wife yesterday.

Few of the parents complained to him that their daughter spending most of the time in ORKUT. So they fear, she will be spoiled and asked him to advise them not to chat in ORKUT. He is unaware that ORKUT is a social networking site, and there is a rule in their college that opposite sexes shouldn’t interact with each other. So he went to the respective class and blasted the girls.

WHICH IDIOT IS ORKUT IN THIS CLASS?? STAND UP MAN!! ALL PARENTS COMPLAINING GIRLS CHATTING WITH YOU?? KNOW THE RULES NA?? BOY BOY TALK OK! GIRL GIRL TALK ALSO OK! BOY GIRL TALK NO IN COLLEGE!!

And if he continues at this rate, hope I’ll come up with more parts on this topic!!

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