Most of us would have come across Professors, Teachers or Faculties in our Schools, Colleges who, though not well versed in English, try hard to explain the subject’s concepts in English. On doing so, some of their sentences turn awkward as they misplace verbs, stress verb as noun and the sentences never come in a pattern like S+V+C, S+V+O. There are some who, though strong in their domain say Physics, Math, Chemistry but due to their bad grammar, murder English and invoke laughter in us. Even if you meet them after few years, the thing that first strikes your mind is not what they taught; the equations, formulas but their stress-buster sentences. I’d encountered few, who knowing their weakness, explain the concepts in mother-tongue (for me it’s Tamil; Vin- Hindi, Archana- Telugu) and others, won’t give a damn to it and try to get into the language as worse as possible. English teachers are always one’s favorite if they love the Language. If it is a female staff, then no doubt, guys would go mad over them. The way they dress, communicate, pronounce (their accent will be mind-blowing) still remains in our mind. But poor Lance had a granny and grandpa for his English classes. I would like to share few of the comical dialogs that were used by my teachers, slaughtering the language.
Our Math sir was one of the gems. His classes will be interesting and one would really love math for his style of teaching. In-between when the students do monkey business, at the height of anger, he beats English to dead. While he is solving sums in the board, when students talk at back, he turns and gives a red-face. He will control himself for two-three times, if it goes on, he shouts WHAT YA?? PLAYING? WHY TALKING BACK? COME TALK FRONT HERE! I LISTEN! NOT SILENT NA, TROUBLE ONLY! YOU TALK, FAN ROTATING, BOARD REFLECTING, I TRIPLE SOUND HEARING YA. NEXT TIME MY MOUTH WON’T SPEAKU. ONLY HANDS YA HANDS WILL SPEAK. (Showing his palm like Congress) TURNING 180 DEGREE TO SEE YOU NA, PAIN COMING IN NECK. THEN THIS PAIN WILL COME TO YOUR NECKU!! The greatness in him is adding YA to the sentences in between. Once he asked to work out a sum in board. It was algebra and there were many polynomial equations. At a step I missed p in an equation. He, on noticing it, without thinking, said WHERE IS P ya?? WENT WITH FAMILY TO HOLIDAY TRIP ah?? Some of the students shouted It is IN BATHROOM SIR (In Tamil p means SHIT)
Some of his other one-liners are
ANYBODY HAVING PURE MINERAL DRINKING WATER?
TAKE THE BOOK. SUDDENLY TURN TO PAGE NO 45 YA. NOTE THE QUESTION NUMBER 3. VERY VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT PROBLEM. ALL TIME ASKING THIS QUESTION YA!!
WHO NOT SUBMITTED THE HOMEWORK?? I KNOW THAT GUY YA! IF YOU ITSELF NOT COMING FRONT NA, AND I FIND IT NA, SEVERE AUCTION (spell: Action) WILL BE TAKEN. And when no students stand, he calls the name one by one from the notebook, asking them to stand. NOW STANDING STUDENTS SUDDENLY SIT AND SITTING STUDENTS SUDDENLY STAND. This is his technique for finding the home-work defaulters.
Our Chemistry lab-assistant always pronounce few of the chemicals name wrong. JINKU (ZINC) SULPATE, KAALCIUM (CALCIUM) KARPENATE (CARBONATE).
CONCENTRATED ACIDS ARE DANGEROUS TO HEALTH. POUR IN HAND, BURNS COMING AND CRYING MEANS I’m NOT RESPONSIBLE. CONCENTRATE WHILE USING CONCENTRATED ACID. If we break any test tube, fearing for fine, we will just push the pieces into the hole at sinks available in our tables. He once found it, as the pipeline got struck because of more number of pieces (we love to break test tubes for every class or sneak it inside our pant pocket along with salts. I love to show it to the kid near our house, as salts on addition with another, change into various colors. I’ll fool that kid saying I’m A MAGICIAN and as the kid is astonished on seeing my magic (erg... Experiment), I’ll take the chocolates from her hand), he said IDIOTS BREAKING TEST TUBE SINKING IT INTO SINK, WATER NOT FLOWING INSIDE. DUPIDS (mean STUPIDS).
In our college, we had a Physics lab assistant. Since Physics is meant for first year, our college never minded to put more faculties for the subject and so the lab assistant himself turned out to be our Professor in second semester. This man is as worse at English as it will take eons to figure what he said. Once I and two of my batch mates went into the lab without wearing our lab coats. He shouted YOU THREE FOOLS, YOU THREE BOTH OF YOU GET OUT OF THE LAB. On teaching SONAR, he said, SONAR IS USED TO FIND THE ENEMY BOATS TARVELLING DEEP DEEP OF WATER and for SPECTRUM, his one liner was, WHILE TURNING SPECTROMETER YOU FIND COLORS OF VARIOUS COLORS. WHAT FAVORITE COLOR YOU WANT ALL AVAILABLE.
To top all of these, Chairman of my friend’s college will give a run for money to all of my staffs. Unlucky, I didn’t get a chance to hear his quotes. But the students have put a separate book for his funny quips. Few are
All of you stand in a straight circle
The girl with the mirror please come front (she was wearing Spec)
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....
Girls should not wear T shirt, U shirt, V shirt.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today
In Cinema theater I saw you with my wife yesterday.
Few of the parents complained to him that their daughter spending most of the time in ORKUT. So they fear, she will be spoiled and asked him to advise them not to chat in ORKUT. He is unaware that ORKUT is a social networking site, and there is a rule in their college that opposite sexes shouldn’t interact with each other. So he went to the respective class and blasted the girls.
WHICH IDIOT IS ORKUT IN THIS CLASS?? STAND UP MAN!! ALL PARENTS COMPLAINING GIRLS CHATTING WITH YOU?? KNOW THE RULES NA?? BOY BOY TALK OK! GIRL GIRL TALK ALSO OK! BOY GIRL TALK NO IN COLLEGE!!
And if he continues at this rate, hope I’ll come up with more parts on this topic!!