Seven Wit-ties in the Film Kitties

I was thinking on what theme, my next post ought to be.  After my Friendship series under Relations, with so much of emotions (?!?!) and a hectic two month it had been for me- A month for 5 exams and a month for one exam. :( With college set to open after New Year, now I can get into blogging at full throttle (as if you’d not been for the last two months) and the exams had taken out the humor from me (as if you’d) thinking of the subject to get back to my forte. Blessing in disguise, I was reminded of Verbivorehere akka’s tag which she had done long, long ago and so long ago. The tag was more than I could ask for, the topic that interests me a lot and had received many comments so far in my blog. Let me break the ice by quoting what she had said

“Hey you just need to write about 6 funny unusual habits while watching/going for...a movie”

I’m a Movieaholic. I watch at least 2 films a week either by Downloading via torrents or to theatres depending on my budget. But I hit theatres thrice a month despite my exams, assignments (who care for those). If my purse weighs more than 500 a month, I never care whether the film is worse or average. Otherwise, I read the reviews in newspaper, internet and have a friend who works at the ticket issuing section for a renowned multiplex in Chennai, gives me the up-to date response and storyline to select the better film to watch for. Also I will watch films that have best-seller music tracks and soothing cinematography (Jab We Met). There are many hilarious moments when I watch a film and listing out 6 is a big task. After big analyzing, processing and testing, here comes my Seven-Pack Filmy Fundas (Ek Inci extra, hope you won’t mind?)

 

1. When I’m entirely down after my exams, I watch a horrible film to expel out my anger. In Chennai you have non-AC theatres which run only Dud films charging 30Rs. Few multiplexes here sell tickets for Rs 10, but you have to be present at the backside of theatre, roughly 2hrs before the first show and seats are close to the screen, making us to held our hand high as if we are proud and marching in a military parade. (Sometimes even after the show, we walk out still our heads high under arrest, only to be brought back by hitting hard at head back. Hang-over!!)I also imply this if I’m in dire need to watch a film. It’s fun to watch guys who pay roughly 80-100 and sit just 4 seats behind us.

2. With young (beautiful) girls sitting behind, it tempts us to act heroic. We enter into cinema hall, only 5 mins before the show, scanning all the rows where beautiful girls are seated. If we find a gang of girls (You could find this for Hindi movies-one of the reason why I often hit theatres sans my Hindi knowledge) seated in a row, we stay rooted for few seconds scanning our tickets and them and the girls get suspicious as if they are seated wrong (Our expressions are so powerful), scrutinize their tickets again. After few seconds romantic looks, we giggle and go to our seats ignoring their mutters. The girls’ gang goes crazy and shouts if their favorite hero comes on screen (HRITHIK, SRK, RANBIR, and JOHN ABRAHAM and so on paying no attention to the Future heart-throb sitting ahead of them. Who?? ME!!! Slap Slap!!), chanting their names repeatedly with ROCKS, HOT, SEXY, LOVE YOU suffixes. We put up with this for few scenes but if they keep on go over again, the GUY POWER beast (or ego, chauvinism you say) unleashes and we shout for the heroines with same suffixes they do. If they say HE ROCKS jumping up and down like IPL cheer girls, we jump at the same time saying SHE ROCKS imitating them. We have a Battle of Cheeripet in theatre who wins over whom as girls too won’t give up their self-image. We hide screens from their view (as if you are so well-built) when the Heroes come, adding to the advantage we always sit ahead of them. It happened when I went to BACHANA HASEENO despite critics panning the film. When Ranbir came, girls went mad shouting “RANBIR MY SWEET HEART! RANBIR KISS ME! and blah blah!” and when the lead lady came I started shouting “MANISHA RAMBA! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE MY ANGEL!” and my friends broke into laughter before the girls did. As I was wondering what went wrong, my friend said “She is not Manisha you dumbo! She is MINISSHA LAMBA” and I giggled saying “I Know Machi! She looks like MANISHA and RAMBHA, her face-cut has a combo of these actresses and that’s what I was referring to!” and my friend whispered “Stop your Mokka (Mokka means Blade or Irritating) jokes before I spit!”

 

3. There are some movies where you feel the movie is boring and start passing comments about the movie and enjoy with your friends and there are few films which keep you hooked to pin-drop silence and touching at parts. Especially if you go with friends to a damp movie, you will have a nice time mocking the hero, heroine, director and every dialogue that come across. I do so mostly in Tamil movies, because as I told before it is the only language I’m comfortable with and watch HINDI movies with subtitle. Let me translate some of our comments we had for sickening movies we watched.

I don’t remember the film name, but a police officer who investigates a murder case, finds a paper bit in a room. A mobile number was scribbled in the paper and he says

“Starts with 9 and has 10 digits! Good! I found it! It should be a mobile number!”

And we were irritated to the core for this dialog and shouted “Wow! Brother of Einstein has found cell phone number has 10 digits. Ware waa! Clap! Clap! Nobel Prize for you!”

 

In Madhavan starrer RUN (Tamil film), the villain (Atul Kulkarni) will be enquiring about Maddy to his goons (Maddy’s name is SHIVA)

“Who is SIVA? Who is SIVA?” to all his goons (around 6-7) for two minutes

His favorite thug replies “Boss! He…. Is…. A College Student”

And the villain shouts pushing aside the chair, “WHOEVER HE MAY BE, I DON’T CARE!”

My friend was aggravated by this dialog and shouted “Then Why the fuck you were asking about him for past 5 mins if you don’t care!” 

And for few films you couldn’t sit and watch even till interval and we will shout, “How frustrated we are to watch the film for 10 mins! Think of the theatre operator who watches the same film 4 times a day. We should build a temple for him!” A suggestion to Theatres who runs worse films to give head-ache relieving tablets as free (KANK, TASHAN- The story, if you can call it, that is laughably bad)

 

4. Songs and fights are most irritating in both Bollywood and Kollywood films. A hero who weighs less than 75kg kicks off 5-6 heavy built with a punch and they fly in air like MATRIX effect.  Villain should come in blazer, TATA SUMO cars and have some 10 Ruffians around him. There should be a corrupt police officer, obeys all the orders of Villain and often tries to rape Heroine and gets beatings from hero. High flying cars couldn’t overtake Hero’s’ bike and cycle and Villain who kills all in one shot, even after 50 hit and miss couldn’t kill the Hero. A stunt scene in one of Vijayakanth’s movies, where a guy shoots him and the bullet hits hero’s chest, rebounds and hits back the guy who shot it. When we were rubbing our eyes as we are watching an animation film, the hero takes a plate from inside his chest that had reflected back the bullet “WOW!” 

 

For bigger Resolution, This is the Hilarious video link.. Click to Check the fun Mates!! You can see VIJAYAKANTH portrayed as STRICT POLICE OFFICER in all his films whose main aim is to capture the BAKISTAN (he stresses P as B) TERRORISTS and POLITICIANS who shelter them. Whenever he comes, even the FOREIGNER who speaks in ENGLISH and TERRORIST who speak HINDI, URDU through out the movie talks to him in Tamil as if they had learnt TAMIL from their school days. And song scenes are really atrocious especially Hero Introduction songs with deafening instrumentation and awful monkey steps choreography. Adding woes, the romantic songs which immediately shifts to GOA, SWISS, LONDON, US and all exotic locations ignoring the fact, the hero is a normal middle class guy or jobless who is striving hard to live. The songs are appalling to hear and we shout “SIR! PLEASE, NO MORE SONGS!”

 

5. It happened when we went to watch FANAA. The film induced a heavy hallucination in us and we were taking our bike parked with our eyes drooping. Being a local theatre, a middle-aged guy who had drunk heavily and more in delirium than us blocked our way and started to shout

“How Dare you rob my Bike?” and was blocking our way

I asked “STUPID! This is our bike! Couldn’t you see, we have the key?” indicating it

He took a door key (may be his house) and shouted “See! Even I have the key! This is my bike”

One of my friend got tensed and pushed him aside

He shouted back “Hey Domer! (It’s a Tamil colloquial word to which still I don’t know the meaning) If you are a Guy, come in single and beat me. You and your twin. Two on one? You coward!” but it was only one guy who pushed him.

From the dialogs he spoke, we were clear that he was out of mind and if we keep on arguing with him, things would go out of our hands.  So my vivacious friend said to him “Sir! You forgot ah? I’m your Driver! We came in Car sir! Come! It’s parked at the other end! Don’t argue with them! We can move!”

For few seconds, he stared at us. My friend was rubbing his hands ready to encounter him incase if he fights with us. Then he spoke “I asked you to come in White shirt! Uniform! But you Domer, wearing a green T-Shirt? I’m going to suspend you. Anyhow, come let’s move to our car!” and he gave a threatening signal at us sticking out his tongue, gesturing with his index finger that “I’LL KILL YOU” My friend who took him signaled us to move away and after taking that guy into a crowded location, he backtracked slowly and joined with us. Only God knows, with which owner may be a car or bike he fought next!

 

6. With my budgets for ticket are not sufficient enough to buy tickets, having snacks, colas, puffs during interval is a herculean task. But the one who sit next to me (not my friends; referring to strangers. Mmmmm being your friend, clearly they couldn’t afford to buy any) in most of the movies, slips in pop-corns and the Crunchy sound and smell interests me and most of my second half is concentrated to their snacks. We have our lunch, dinner (depending on the show we go) outside the theatre where you can afford full-filled Tummy, half the rate less than the snacks sold in theatre (Pop corn for 35, Cola for 30 and you can have Paratas, Dosa for less than 20 outside) While watching Chak De India, a middle aged lady (around 30 I guess) was so hooked to the film (2^nd half hockey matches) that she forgot her pop-corn which were laid to rest in the Pop corn holder. Seizing the opportunity, I took few pop corns and munched silently, not to grab her attention (If then, she will be playing hockey with me). Lost in the taste, I emptied half the pack and now she was crying. Fearing she had noticed it, I turned to screen with little shivers, lightened to see INDIA has won the finals (Kya Emotion!) and Sharukh is down to his knees, tears brimming at his eyes and at the background a song comes “MASTER! TAKE MY LIFE” (I don’t know what’s it in HINDI and my friend said this is the translation for it! Vinnie, Seno, am I right?) Before her cry turns into a scream if she notices what happened to her pop-corns, I slowly walked out of theatre (My friends didn’t mind it as they were dumb-struck into the film) Did she notice what happened to her pop-corns at least at the end? God has the answer. Every time I expect a true movie-addict like her after this incident when I watch films, glancing whether he/she sitting next to me is not in the world but alas, she is my first and last pop-corn supplier till now. What if she sits again next to me? Lol!

 

7. Sleeping while watching films is something I couldn’t avoid if the film is worse. I’ll get into sleep if it’s an A.C. theatre tired of passing comments. The narrative technique is complete sleep inducing for most of BOLLYWOOD and KOLLYWOOD movies especially if it is a family, romance scripts. Recently I watched Ek Vivaah Aisa Bhi (Sonu Sood and Isha Kopiikar) in theatre believing the film is good, going on by reviews. On second thoughts, this movie is the perfect night time movie to induce sleep. For all the insomniacs reading this, please get a copy and keep at all times. Aids terrifically in deep sleep! It was like watching a serial and I slept within 15 mins. I was woken by my friend at interval and within the 10 mins re-start, I went to doze again. This is one of the few films which I didn’t criticize while watching as I never remember any scene. And I snooze off while watching films in DVD too. After a big search in many shops at gray market, I got Chalte Chalte (Yeah, I mean the Shahrukh, Rani movie! Dont howl fans of the twosome and acknowledge that the movie was nothing short of disaster! ) for 50 bugs and all I could remember was Shahrukh, a middle-class loverboy falls for Rani at the first sight, YAWN!! Rani rejects because she is traveling to Greece to get married to childhood friend Sameer, YAAWN!!! So Shah Rukh follows her to Greece. YAAAWN!!!  As fate would have it, their connecting flight gets cancelled and YAWWWWN!!!!! , and next being slammed by mom by switching on the TV, DVD player and never care about the increasing electricity bill. Still the DVD in my drawer and me by no means touched it again. Last year, at some point in a Rainy day, I watched another sleep inducer- Dil Ka Rishta (Given by my friend, “Dude! Amazing script! You’ll be lost in the script! Watch it!”), a ’RAI’ny day. Aishwarya Rai gave the worst performance of her life (so far i.e., I still have my hopes on worse performances from her in the near future), ably supported by wooden wonder Arjun Rampaul. Seriously, one more giggle from Aishwarya Rai and I am going to cry uncontrollably. Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, Salaam-E-Ishq, Ta Ra Rum Pum and list goes on. But I stop with this for better health of readers. (Also to avoid comments “YOUR BLOG IS MORE SLEEP INDUCING THAN THOSE FILMS”)

 

Hope you enjoyed the list. Tag rules, “have to be passed” and so I pass this tag to Gayathri (as usual mate! I know you’ll do it well), Lancelot, Vinnie, Karthick Krishna CS (Viscom boy! Good creativity) Swati Paul (You blog rarely. But take this!) and Thoorika.

 

Thanks!! Keep Visiting!!